Manda, the Moderate Mod

GROW UP!

It was a fucking compliment!

Here is the one I was going to add today, before you blocked me from commenting.

"I wanted to clarify, what exactly I thought was so lovely. You have an extrordinary gift with anticipation and timing. I knew what the ending would be, as, obviously, it was natural. But I enjoyed the story to there, and I wasn't feeling like, yadayada, okay, yeah...I was savoring it to the end. That shows your incredible gift of timng and building to the end. You have always had that gift. Hsu's recent Watcher story had that. I was on the edge waiting for violence, but it did not happen, and I felt relief, then the end left an edge like a razor, because it could blow up any time. Your timing is a real gift."

Wow, I am such a fucking bitch.

Big girl panties, Jaye...sold everywhere. Get some.

Home for a few days, hiatus on the show.

My boss went to see her mom, so I have a few days off to ponder the universe.

Of course, that leads me to thinking about HER. Yes, I read the new post. What the hell is wrong with me that even after a year, I cannot let go of the hurt? I know I have lashed out in anger, but I also know that the anger is easier than feeling so hurt all the time. I find it impossible to make new friends, or reconnect with old ones, because I feel so afraid that I am going to care about someone that much, again, and get punched in the gut.

So many of my muses are just...gah...it ranges from screaming to silence. I just do not want to write, at the moment, because, of course, September is HER birthday month. I am dumb enough that I sent her an email to wish her a happy birthday, before I remembered that she blocked my email.

FUCK! I miss my writing partner! I hate this! I hate that I was on the set of the show, and someone she likes was guesting, and I wanted to tell her so bad. I see things, and I want to share it with her. My muses speak up, wanting to show something to hers.

For example? I was at the library, and I saw a book called "The Courage to be Disliked" and at least two of my muses wanted to give it to Hsu. One wanted to give it to Andy. I'll leave who wanted what up in the air.

Then, there was a book on "When To Rob a Bank" and this plotbunny ran across, of two young Immies walking into Hsu's bank, to rob it, and Hsu and Cody standing on the landing above trying to figure out whether to kill them or recruit them or just spank them. LOL.

I still have not figured out what I did wrong. Maybe that is the part that keeps me unable to stop caring. I honestly don't know what I did that was so awful, so unforgivable, so terrible. I spent hours, one night, with my boss, telling her about what happened. I know I acted like a bitch after. I got that. But I cannot figure out what, in the realm of pretendy funtime games, I did that was so monumentally awful that I deserved such a cold, brutal smackdown. Boss said maybe it had nothing to do with anything I did. Maybe it was all her. I don't know. I guess I will never know. I don't know if knowing would help. Maybe not.

I miss her terribly. I think about her every day. I do wish her well. I feel sad that I am in this amazing position so close to professional screen writing, and I cannot share it with her. I told my boss that my ex-writing partner was the best writer I have ever known. She said that we were better together. I know that I was a better writer with her...and I am a better writer now having written with her.

Oh, well...

For what it is worth, I am sorry. And I wish you a wonderful, happy birthday full of joy.

I am trying to get packed and moved to Vancouver for my job. I went to a Goodwill store in a very nice neighborhood, today, and found a super cute sweatshirt jacket that was from Macy's, never worn with the original tags on it, and the original price was $89. I found it in this Goodwill for $4.99 and it was half off the blue tags, today, so I got this super cute jacket for $2.50. I can tell you this, a single mom who has depended on welfare can stretch a dollar to the moon, and back, till it screams for mercy. So, if you need something, go to the Goodwill or thrift stores in really nice areas. Cool beans.

So, I am getting into the Vancouver/Washington mood and writing Wolf Lake stories. I am not abandoning my love of Highlander, just shifting it. I am writing a Watcher, who is also a Spook. That makes for loads of fun, as I am really just not feeling HL Immies at the moment.

So, casting my Wolf Lake Comm of stories, which will be locked, because we ALL KNOW how that crap goes...and we do...I am going to be writing it with the following pups:

Tyler Creed - PB is Scott Bairstow and no, I will NOT change it. Tyler is pack leader of the more underworld side of the area. He owns a strip club, some various businesses, and he is a bit older and bitter after Ruby and Willa disappeared. He is hooked up with a Fae.

Ruby Cates Creed - PB is same as show, Mia Kurshner. Ruby will start out being presumed dead. In truth, she has been held in a Watcher lab, and hooks up with a Watcher who wants to take over the organization, in order to get free. Ruby agrees to take him to Wolf Lake. She believes her daughter with Creed is dead.

Willa Ty Cates Creed - I am not sure who to use as her PB. She is the 17 year old daughter of Tyler and Ruby. She thinks her mother is dead, and she decides to go home to Wolf Lake, but she uses an alias to check out her dad. She is a very feral wild child.

Sheriff Antony Marks - PB is Michael Huijsmans - He takes over the Tim Mathiason role as the Sheriff, except he is wolfen.

Marcus Cates - Unknown half brother to Willard, who is incredibly wealthy, dangerous and a very bad, bad wolf. He will be PB'd by Nicholas Lea, because I love that green eyed SOB like whoa! Think of Krycek gone rich and wolf.

Bud Lyman - Beta to Marcus - PB is Zach MacGowan - He's the dirty dog who does dirty deeds.

I am still thinking about the Watcher. I will also likely have other wolves and non wolves around. Bartender or bouncer, maybe a Jason Momoa. Colin O'Donoghue would be a delicious wolf. Maybe even Hrithik. I do have a whole plotline in my head, which is good. But the whole thing will be a)locked, because I am not going to have Princess McPouty accusing me of stealing her shit and b) very adult, heavy R rated. I am not sanitizing anything for anyone's protection, not anymore. I thought about using Gerard Butler for the Watcher, but I don't need the grief that will rain down on my head, thank you very much.

Wolf Lake, for those of you who do not know, was a very short lived CBS series starring the guy from La Bamba, and it was cancelled after three or four shows, then UPN picked it up and aired the entire season.

Oooooooh...Tom Ellis for the Watcher???

Anyway, it was a great idea, the cinematography and credits were great. I love Bruce McGill, who played Willard, and the medicine man from Dances With Wolves. It actually won a couple of Emmys for the credits, theme and photography. I am sick of sparkling vamps, so wolves would be way more fun, and I used to write Willa as a small child over on LJ. Jacki had Ruby, but she wasn't feeling it, so we traded. Mia was good as Ruby, though Eva Green would have been a better one. Anyway, I am importing the best stuff over. CJ wrote Tyler, and he was wonderful, so those are some mighty big shoes to fill. My goal is to write it well enough that she would be proud of me if she read it.

But, first, have to pack. I will be on the set sometimes, so I do need to look semi-decent.

So, my boss got hired to work on a film and then on a show that will be shot in Washington and Vancouver. I will have to go with her.

LIVING THE DREAM!

Okay, so not THE dream. That would be if I was writing, for myself. But it is really good experience, and I did help her with some phrasing last night. You never know what can happen when you unshackle yourself from living by the whims and whimsy of others and start standing up for yourself.

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Gotta pack what I can, store some, too much to do.

Professional writers are a crazy lot. Not like strait jacket crazy, just kind of...scattered. But fun.

Got to go to the studio last night. That was very fun. It isn't the same as having your dream job, but it is a nice second place. My boss is super nice, but very direct. She does not sugar coat anything, which suits my mood at the present time.

I get coffee, I type, I make copies, I clean her kitchen, I cook meals in advance and prep them in individual containers so she can just grab, nuke and eat. I walk her dogs...four. I am a gopher-slash-assistant. But it is way more fun than poverty, that is for sure! She loves my cooking.

Nap...

Respect...demand it...keep it...don't accept any less.

Come on, girls...

The Queen is dead, but her music lives on. Much respect.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6FOUqQt3Kg0

Okay, so going to write something normal and not angry. LOL!

Started the new job last night. Super crazy interesting. I think I always thought that screenwriters for TV shows go into work at the hours that the actors and directors and stuff do, but they don't, except for Mondays, when they go in and do read thrus. Look at me, nailing the lingo.

My boss is writing for two shows, and she doesn't have the luxury of having muses running around in her head, except for the charries on the show. When they are off hiatus, she doesn't even read much, just here and there, and hence why so many writers read fanfic and RP! Apparently, it is something to do when she gets stuck, and she can glean some ideas from. So I guess the old writing stuff showing up in shows isn't a coinky-dinky, after all. Whoot! I mean, yeah, it is still raw, like being dragged by a car fifty feet. But at least I know someone was reading it! Cool beans!

So she is usually up writing really late, and if you want to work for a scriptwriter, you have to be flexible with the hours. So I do warn people I will be in and out, because I have to bend to her schedule.

But this is very fun. I am not writing, obviously, but I get to see up close what the job is. Love that.

Need...nap...badly...