In Memorium

Oct. 7th, 2018 09:23 pm
moderate_mod: (panda hug)
If Only...

If only I’d stopped and knocked on your door;
If only I’d known you couldn’t take any more;
If only I’d been there, if only I’d called;
If I’d not been so busy – and once again stalled.



Why didn’t I see then, the pain in your eyes
and know that you felt so alone and despised.
Why didn’t I hear the hurt in your voice,
and know you were about to make your last choice!



Maybe if I had been home on that day,
I’d have changed things for you in some little way
Maybe if I’d chosen my words with more care,
I could have seen more and been more aware.



I feel so bewildered and torn from inside,
The truth of it all gives me nowhere to hide.
Each time the phone rings, though I know it’s not you,
I’m still trying to see things from your point of view.



God, help me find some true peace of mind,
without leaving the memories of this friendship behind.
Grant me the courage to start once again,
To trust in the love and the life of a friend.

Bye, Mom

Seriously?

Sep. 11th, 2018 12:52 pm
moderate_mod: (Default)
GROW UP!

It was a fucking compliment!

Here is the one I was going to add today, before you blocked me from commenting.

"I wanted to clarify, what exactly I thought was so lovely. You have an extrordinary gift with anticipation and timing. I knew what the ending would be, as, obviously, it was natural. But I enjoyed the story to there, and I wasn't feeling like, yadayada, okay, yeah...I was savoring it to the end. That shows your incredible gift of timng and building to the end. You have always had that gift. Hsu's recent Watcher story had that. I was on the edge waiting for violence, but it did not happen, and I felt relief, then the end left an edge like a razor, because it could blow up any time. Your timing is a real gift."

Wow, I am such a fucking bitch.

Big girl panties, Jaye...sold everywhere. Get some.
moderate_mod: (dany)
So, as I said yesterday, my pups are being fractious. I thought I could just write Wolf Lake fic and be happy, but my Boukun pups are not going for that. So, since I have no fucking idea what I did wrong at Boukun, I am going to reset Boukun.

How did this happen???

My boss.

Last night, she had five friends over, and I cooked. Then she showed them my old writing stuff. Two of them used to write fan fic, it was how they started. They drank a lot of wine, and then challenged me to reset and redo Boukun better. Obviously, it is locked, and it is for a select audience. However, these are professional writers who have no qualms about telling me what they really think.

They gave me suggestions, of course, and one was that Roma needed to be Roman. A grandson had a different edge to it. It was tough, but I can see it. Also, they liked the idea of both twins being there.

So, I have my assignment and task. Not for public consumption. But wouldn't it be funny if Boukun became a show? Hmmmm...let the plot bunnies run wild.
moderate_mod: (evil queen)
Home for a few days, hiatus on the show.

My boss went to see her mom, so I have a few days off to ponder the universe.

Of course, that leads me to thinking about HER. Yes, I read the new post. What the hell is wrong with me that even after a year, I cannot let go of the hurt? I know I have lashed out in anger, but I also know that the anger is easier than feeling so hurt all the time. I find it impossible to make new friends, or reconnect with old ones, because I feel so afraid that I am going to care about someone that much, again, and get punched in the gut.

So many of my muses are just...gah...it ranges from screaming to silence. I just do not want to write, at the moment, because, of course, September is HER birthday month. I am dumb enough that I sent her an email to wish her a happy birthday, before I remembered that she blocked my email.

FUCK! I miss my writing partner! I hate this! I hate that I was on the set of the show, and someone she likes was guesting, and I wanted to tell her so bad. I see things, and I want to share it with her. My muses speak up, wanting to show something to hers.

For example? I was at the library, and I saw a book called "The Courage to be Disliked" and at least two of my muses wanted to give it to Hsu. One wanted to give it to Andy. I'll leave who wanted what up in the air.

Then, there was a book on "When To Rob a Bank" and this plotbunny ran across, of two young Immies walking into Hsu's bank, to rob it, and Hsu and Cody standing on the landing above trying to figure out whether to kill them or recruit them or just spank them. LOL.

I still have not figured out what I did wrong. Maybe that is the part that keeps me unable to stop caring. I honestly don't know what I did that was so awful, so unforgivable, so terrible. I spent hours, one night, with my boss, telling her about what happened. I know I acted like a bitch after. I got that. But I cannot figure out what, in the realm of pretendy funtime games, I did that was so monumentally awful that I deserved such a cold, brutal smackdown. Boss said maybe it had nothing to do with anything I did. Maybe it was all her. I don't know. I guess I will never know. I don't know if knowing would help. Maybe not.

I miss her terribly. I think about her every day. I do wish her well. I feel sad that I am in this amazing position so close to professional screen writing, and I cannot share it with her. I told my boss that my ex-writing partner was the best writer I have ever known. She said that we were better together. I know that I was a better writer with her...and I am a better writer now having written with her.

Oh, well...

For what it is worth, I am sorry. And I wish you a wonderful, happy birthday full of joy.

Washington

Aug. 31st, 2018 09:39 am
moderate_mod: (crazy days)
Well, here I am up in Washington. It is gorgeous up here, but I have been so busy that I have not really had time to explore, much. I have been doing more with my boss, going on set to help her with stuff, and it is really fun.

Not much sleep, but I don't really mind.
moderate_mod: (crazy days)
I am trying to get packed and moved to Vancouver for my job. I went to a Goodwill store in a very nice neighborhood, today, and found a super cute sweatshirt jacket that was from Macy's, never worn with the original tags on it, and the original price was $89. I found it in this Goodwill for $4.99 and it was half off the blue tags, today, so I got this super cute jacket for $2.50. I can tell you this, a single mom who has depended on welfare can stretch a dollar to the moon, and back, till it screams for mercy. So, if you need something, go to the Goodwill or thrift stores in really nice areas. Cool beans.

So, I am getting into the Vancouver/Washington mood and writing Wolf Lake stories. I am not abandoning my love of Highlander, just shifting it. I am writing a Watcher, who is also a Spook. That makes for loads of fun, as I am really just not feeling HL Immies at the moment.

So, casting my Wolf Lake Comm of stories, which will be locked, because we ALL KNOW how that crap goes...and we do...I am going to be writing it with the following pups:

Tyler Creed - PB is Scott Bairstow and no, I will NOT change it. Tyler is pack leader of the more underworld side of the area. He owns a strip club, some various businesses, and he is a bit older and bitter after Ruby and Willa disappeared. He is hooked up with a Fae.

Ruby Cates Creed - PB is same as show, Mia Kurshner. Ruby will start out being presumed dead. In truth, she has been held in a Watcher lab, and hooks up with a Watcher who wants to take over the organization, in order to get free. Ruby agrees to take him to Wolf Lake. She believes her daughter with Creed is dead.

Willa Ty Cates Creed - I am not sure who to use as her PB. She is the 17 year old daughter of Tyler and Ruby. She thinks her mother is dead, and she decides to go home to Wolf Lake, but she uses an alias to check out her dad. She is a very feral wild child.

Sheriff Antony Marks - PB is Michael Huijsmans - He takes over the Tim Mathiason role as the Sheriff, except he is wolfen.

Marcus Cates - Unknown half brother to Willard, who is incredibly wealthy, dangerous and a very bad, bad wolf. He will be PB'd by Nicholas Lea, because I love that green eyed SOB like whoa! Think of Krycek gone rich and wolf.

Bud Lyman - Beta to Marcus - PB is Zach MacGowan - He's the dirty dog who does dirty deeds.

I am still thinking about the Watcher. I will also likely have other wolves and non wolves around. Bartender or bouncer, maybe a Jason Momoa. Colin O'Donoghue would be a delicious wolf. Maybe even Hrithik. I do have a whole plotline in my head, which is good. But the whole thing will be a)locked, because I am not going to have Princess McPouty accusing me of stealing her shit and b) very adult, heavy R rated. I am not sanitizing anything for anyone's protection, not anymore. I thought about using Gerard Butler for the Watcher, but I don't need the grief that will rain down on my head, thank you very much.

Wolf Lake, for those of you who do not know, was a very short lived CBS series starring the guy from La Bamba, and it was cancelled after three or four shows, then UPN picked it up and aired the entire season.

Oooooooh...Tom Ellis for the Watcher???

Anyway, it was a great idea, the cinematography and credits were great. I love Bruce McGill, who played Willard, and the medicine man from Dances With Wolves. It actually won a couple of Emmys for the credits, theme and photography. I am sick of sparkling vamps, so wolves would be way more fun, and I used to write Willa as a small child over on LJ. Jacki had Ruby, but she wasn't feeling it, so we traded. Mia was good as Ruby, though Eva Green would have been a better one. Anyway, I am importing the best stuff over. CJ wrote Tyler, and he was wonderful, so those are some mighty big shoes to fill. My goal is to write it well enough that she would be proud of me if she read it.

But, first, have to pack. I will be on the set sometimes, so I do need to look semi-decent.
moderate_mod: (evil queen)
 photo 39872688_1343572782446639_8929386361576751104_n_zpsnxsjr3n9.jpg

You are either a writer, or not. Real writers who are professionals do it for their living. How many times do you hear a car salesman say, "Well, I wanted to sell some cars today, but I was so busy, I had to take the kids to the zoo..." or a doctor say "Gee, I wish I had the time to actually practice medicine, but life is so busy". NO! If you want to be a writer, stop making fucking excuses and just write. If that is the career you choose. Stop blaming your spouse, your RP partners, your real life boss, anyone but yourself. If you really are a "professional writer" then it is not just your profession, it is your life blood. So write. Or don't. But shut the fuck up about it.

OMG!!!!!

Aug. 20th, 2018 01:24 pm
moderate_mod: (crazy days)
So, my boss got hired to work on a film and then on a show that will be shot in Washington and Vancouver. I will have to go with her.

LIVING THE DREAM!

Okay, so not THE dream. That would be if I was writing, for myself. But it is really good experience, and I did help her with some phrasing last night. You never know what can happen when you unshackle yourself from living by the whims and whimsy of others and start standing up for yourself.

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Gotta pack what I can, store some, too much to do.
moderate_mod: (red panda)
Sleep at strange hours...oy.

Second Day

Aug. 17th, 2018 11:00 am
moderate_mod: (red panda)
Professional writers are a crazy lot. Not like strait jacket crazy, just kind of...scattered. But fun.

Got to go to the studio last night. That was very fun. It isn't the same as having your dream job, but it is a nice second place. My boss is super nice, but very direct. She does not sugar coat anything, which suits my mood at the present time.

I get coffee, I type, I make copies, I clean her kitchen, I cook meals in advance and prep them in individual containers so she can just grab, nuke and eat. I walk her dogs...four. I am a gopher-slash-assistant. But it is way more fun than poverty, that is for sure! She loves my cooking.

Nap...
moderate_mod: (Regina)
Respect...demand it...keep it...don't accept any less.

Come on, girls...

The Queen is dead, but her music lives on. Much respect.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6FOUqQt3Kg0

Uh, and no

Aug. 16th, 2018 11:04 am
moderate_mod: (dany)
No, people, I am not reading her personal or muse journals.

First of all, if Princess Pouty has something to say to me, she can put on her big girl panties and say it TO ME, not behind my back, which is her usual childish behavior. Seriously, folks, I don't give a fat flying fucky McFuck what she says about me. It is all deflection from her, as my boss calls it, twatcentric and plastic behavior. She has had eleven months to talk TO me, and she doesn't, didn't and won't. My therapist says that is a hallmark symptom of people who feel guilty about shitty behavior, which is really not her style, or a sociopathic vampire user. I leave the diagnosis to her next victim. *waves to Christina*

I mean, the proof is in the pudding, kids, and one need only look at the trail of OMG BEST WRITING PARTNER EVA! corpses she has left on the RP highway.

Insofar as her pups...no. First of all, it is still painful for the lingering ghosts of my dead pups, save Alexandre, who is a right bastard. But my girls, especially, get way too vocal and I cannot deal with it. Second of all, I did read a recent OMGUBERPOWERFULEMPEROR posts and I read it with my boss. I am not even going to critique. But my boss? She said the magic is gone. She said that Princess gave my writing depth and history and deep bases of strength. I gave hers, apparently, heart and humor and fun. So, in her expert view, it's lost the magic that made her obsessively read our stuff for over ten years. Trust me, she was pretty scathing of some of my recent stuff.

So, anyway, please don't tell me anything on her journals. First of all, to be fair to her? That is her space. I don't believe in violating that. Second of all, I don't give a fuck, anymore. I am on the mend. Therapy, new job, new life. I don't need someone else's ugly to muck it up. God don't like ugly. And you may not believe in God, but as they say on Lucifer, He doesn't need you to. The Gods, God, Mother Nature, Morgan Fucking Freeman...whatever you believe in? I think the decision of "win" is clear. Karma is a bitch. So I am done with that. So please, people, the first thing I woke up to this morning was someone telling me something she posted.

I don't give a fuck. Not one tiny fuck. Not one threesome with Carrot Top and Mister Bean fuckety fuck fuck. Let her be who she is and do what she does. You do you, Boo. I got this.
moderate_mod: (crazy days)
Okay, so going to write something normal and not angry. LOL!

Started the new job last night. Super crazy interesting. I think I always thought that screenwriters for TV shows go into work at the hours that the actors and directors and stuff do, but they don't, except for Mondays, when they go in and do read thrus. Look at me, nailing the lingo.

My boss is writing for two shows, and she doesn't have the luxury of having muses running around in her head, except for the charries on the show. When they are off hiatus, she doesn't even read much, just here and there, and hence why so many writers read fanfic and RP! Apparently, it is something to do when she gets stuck, and she can glean some ideas from. So I guess the old writing stuff showing up in shows isn't a coinky-dinky, after all. Whoot! I mean, yeah, it is still raw, like being dragged by a car fifty feet. But at least I know someone was reading it! Cool beans!

So she is usually up writing really late, and if you want to work for a scriptwriter, you have to be flexible with the hours. So I do warn people I will be in and out, because I have to bend to her schedule.

But this is very fun. I am not writing, obviously, but I get to see up close what the job is. Love that.

Need...nap...badly...

Okay

Aug. 15th, 2018 08:04 pm
moderate_mod: (Default)
So, now, I have done the notice angry post. I am done with that shit...unless she keeps importing my pups and writing.

Now I want to address the lovely emails and messages I have received. I honestly had no idea that so many people read Boukun and the other muses. So I gave all of you this address, and if you friend me, you might incur the Princess' wrath, so just track me or whatever, that way you don't have to be in the doghouse with her. Trust me, I know how she is.

To those who expressed sadness about the hanging plot and want to know how it ends...

Roma takes Boukun, of course! She locks Hsu in a very nice dungeon before she redecorates that stuffy old palace. LOL! I did write a story where she was captured and executed, but you guys did not like that. Cody Jean went off to the Imperial Senate, got a divorce, and found a hot ruler of another planet to marry. Cas leaves Alexa for his ex, and she takes the throne of Britannia. There. All good.

I was shocked by how many people read the muses, and how many worked in the industry. I was deeply touched by how many of you sent me such encouraging emails. I am happy to say that it lead to my new job, so yay! I am glad that something that brought me so much pain and grief ended up in something positive. Many of you are professional writers and editors and your compliments really gave me a lot of strength. I know some of you were sad I deleted all of my journals, but I needed to stop holding on to them. I kept getting sad when I read them. I had to wipe the slate clean, and let it all go. I had to also not try to continue them in new stories, because I was still mentioning Princess' muses, and that was not good. I had to just get free. And, yes, I did everything I could to work it out with her. She was cold and just did not care.

I will let people know when I start writing. I took over a journal pup that I used to help write at LJ, from a very obscure fandom. I have some characters I am looking at. But I am best when I write OC's, but I am NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER writing a pup to suit someone else's needs. Ever. I am also going to be much more assertive and less of a doormat. I am never getting blindsided and bitchslapped like that, again.

Manda

moderate_mod: (Default)
Manda

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