Manda, the Moderate Mod

Home for a few days, hiatus on the show.

My boss went to see her mom, so I have a few days off to ponder the universe.

Of course, that leads me to thinking about HER. Yes, I read the new post. What the hell is wrong with me that even after a year, I cannot let go of the hurt? I know I have lashed out in anger, but I also know that the anger is easier than feeling so hurt all the time. I find it impossible to make new friends, or reconnect with old ones, because I feel so afraid that I am going to care about someone that much, again, and get punched in the gut.

So many of my muses are just...gah...it ranges from screaming to silence. I just do not want to write, at the moment, because, of course, September is HER birthday month. I am dumb enough that I sent her an email to wish her a happy birthday, before I remembered that she blocked my email.

FUCK! I miss my writing partner! I hate this! I hate that I was on the set of the show, and someone she likes was guesting, and I wanted to tell her so bad. I see things, and I want to share it with her. My muses speak up, wanting to show something to hers.

For example? I was at the library, and I saw a book called "The Courage to be Disliked" and at least two of my muses wanted to give it to Hsu. One wanted to give it to Andy. I'll leave who wanted what up in the air.

Then, there was a book on "When To Rob a Bank" and this plotbunny ran across, of two young Immies walking into Hsu's bank, to rob it, and Hsu and Cody standing on the landing above trying to figure out whether to kill them or recruit them or just spank them. LOL.

I still have not figured out what I did wrong. Maybe that is the part that keeps me unable to stop caring. I honestly don't know what I did that was so awful, so unforgivable, so terrible. I spent hours, one night, with my boss, telling her about what happened. I know I acted like a bitch after. I got that. But I cannot figure out what, in the realm of pretendy funtime games, I did that was so monumentally awful that I deserved such a cold, brutal smackdown. Boss said maybe it had nothing to do with anything I did. Maybe it was all her. I don't know. I guess I will never know. I don't know if knowing would help. Maybe not.

I miss her terribly. I think about her every day. I do wish her well. I feel sad that I am in this amazing position so close to professional screen writing, and I cannot share it with her. I told my boss that my ex-writing partner was the best writer I have ever known. She said that we were better together. I know that I was a better writer with her...and I am a better writer now having written with her.

Oh, well...

For what it is worth, I am sorry. And I wish you a wonderful, happy birthday full of joy.